Indulge: Silk nightgown

I don't wear nightgowns, let alone silk nightgowns. But, as I was buying new glasses, at JcPenny it caught my eye and I decided to go for it. So I cleaned my sheets and wore it at night. Wow, so its not comfy whatsoever. So fail, a big fat fail!

reflection: Week 19

This week has been incredibly reflective.

I have not only been able to understand the different books and advice that I have been recieving, but have been able to use it as well!

A few things(and their sources) that I believe I am finally starting to get a handle on.

Not taking things personally. I first really read this concept in a book called the four agreements. His essential premise is NOTHING people do are because of you! While I saw the logic, I was really struggling on how to truly internalize it. Especially with guys and with work. My friend Liz, in the classroom is a perfect example of this. She doesn't see the kids as being against her. She sees them as needing different support that we need to provide. Our job is to teach them, and of course they are going to get it wrong. But the more we take personally, the more tenuous it gets. She did remark that certain people are born/nurtured with that quality and it might be hard to learn. However, I realized, I do know it. I've always known it with parents, with customers as a waitress or a retail associate. I've known it with most professional endeavors and recently have internalized it with friends. Once I realize that I have very little to do with an interaction, I can look rationally at it and then figure out how to solve it/work with it.

Going in hand with that are two other principals that often get me in trouble, and that is don't make assumptions(also from four agreements) and very little of what goes on you have control over(Untethered soul). There is a peace in truly understanding both of these things.

Also directly related, is the idea that Eleanor Roosevelt says "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." My friend Troy in highschool said something quite similar, and I never could figure out how, but he lived it through his example. It's taken me 10 years, but I think I finally get it. Once you decide nothing is personal, you decide, or make a choice on how things affect you. I didn't think it worked that way and didn't realize I had that power (which is really the only power you have).

And to add to that, realizing that people don't make you do anything. You choose to do it. I choose my anxiety everytime it comes, by not acting on it. I can self-talk my way out of it. Where I used to get trapped was that I said to myself "I shouldn't feel this way" which only fed it more. Instead, I need to do what I've been teaching my kids, "Figure out what it is, and isolate it. If you can know it or change the situation do so. If not accept you can't and move on." It's oftentimes really as simple as that! But the more you accept that you choose everything, you will help yourself out so much more and stop blaming others. You can't change other people, you can only work on changing your own thought processes. And the goal is to make yourself as happy and peaceful as possible. Or at least thats my goal!

Finally, which my friend Aimee helped me to discover, that niceness or goodness is not always necessary. I've lived my whole life with this ideal that I want to and want others to percieve me as good. This is why I didn't drink in college, or mess around, or swear. Yet, I did alot of probably not nice things, and put ALOT on other people in order for me to call myself nice. The more I realize that, what I really want to live by, is "always do your best"(another four agreement). And, if I'm always doing the best that I can, and aknowledging when I'm not, I can finally have the confidence, not to rely on my niceness or charm to get me through.

I know this is 150% stream of consciousness and might not make a whole lot of sense, but I just wanted to get this down. I might edit or expand upon next week. But I'm on the cusp of something big, that I truly believe will bring peace to myself and make me most able to help others.

Creative: casting off

I am FINALLY finished. I learned how to CAST OFF, using the link provided. It wound up being the same link that I learned it from innitially. It was actually the easiest step of the whole process. However, it could also have been that I've had so much practice at it. Can't wait to give it to Aileen! It's the width of my bed!

Nature: The Dish

My Israel friend Aimee and I went down to Stanford, her alma matter, to hit up a nature trail. It was a three mile paved loop around this hill right off of campus, that reminded me alot of this hill I climbed in Edinburgh.

While walking, we had a really great conversation, much will be present in the reflection. Aimee is, in a lot of ways, what I have been. She is soo similar to me and I want to be like "Don't do this, don't say this," because I know the strife and turmoil that follows. But either way, it felt really cool to bounce my current ideas about life on her, as it kinda felt like I was talking to a younger version of myself. However, I know I wasn't ready to really hear it AND internalize it, in a way that would have saved me any major drama.

But Aimee is an amazing person and it was great spending the day with her!!

Physical: G

So G, is a turbo kickboxing instructor that normally works at the Potrero gym I used to go to. SHe didn't always explain everything, but it was the strongest workout ever! It really kicked my ass EVERY time. Yet, I looked at the Oakland schedule and she's there for Saturdays, so I had to go!

Granted I hadn't been to the gym in over a week, but she lived up to her former glory and really kicked my ass. I felt sooo good(and sore) afterwards!

indulge: smoothies

I finally learned how to use my magic bullet! Thanks to my friend Deb(and Aileen ). THe banana makes all the difference!! I've been making these for breakfasts for snacks. They are delicious!!

Movie: History of the World Part 1

So by the name of this movie, I immediately thought it may have some application in my classroom. Then, in the first scene when the hunter gatherers are jacking themselves off, I realized I would not be getting any cirriculum support!

It wasn't super fascinating, but it was rather commical. Not exactly my sense of humor, but I appreciated knowing most of the Jewish/Historical references.

Oh and now I've seen a Mel Brooks movie!

Cultural: Torah study

Yes, you read that right. I, went, to, Torah study.

My friend Julie has been inspiring my Jewishness in me, east bay style and encouraging me to go with her to Moishe House, which is yet another option to explore your Jewishness for young people. I was super wary at first, especially beacuse the first thing we attended was a dress up shabbat dinner, but its really growing on me. The Jewishness that they focus on is not the typical money grubbing Jewish, or the caddy uppity Jewishness, but this back to the earth, spiritual, sustainable inward Judiasm, which I wish I had learned about and understood as a child. It's definitely way hippie dippie ,and if I would have found them my first year, I would have not been down whatsoever, but now I'm super into it! I have even met guys there whom I actually find interesting and potentially date-able, which is also a first with me and Jewish guys. They all seem super down to earth. Plus, its male heavy which is nice as well. Overall, I am super impressed!

Today, after dinner we read two chapters in the Torah, of Moses in the desert about to receive the commandments and then had discussion on how it affected us in our lives today. The leader of the group connected the parsha to the idea of listening and active listening at that, something I am very poor at, and made be really reflective about it. Plus, I was able to connect my history and knowledge of Ancient cultures, to a new kind of spirituality I've been developing.

Definitely a culture experience, to actually flock towards a Jewish spirituality! It's definitely a first for me.

Reading: On the road

My friend Todd gave me this book, as he said it was one of his favorites. In fact, Jack Kerouac is a hero of sorts to him. So far I am a big fan of its lyricism, stream of consciousness travel writing. Essentially he, with a bunch of his buddies defined this era, that has alot of romance for me. It is called the Beatnik generation, and essentially includes people who have a high intellect, but reject materialism and status, who believed in living in the moment and focused on Eastern religion and experimentation with everything from drugs to sex. I mean come on what's not to like?

So I've gotten to the bit where he leaves San Francisco. I'm especially enjoying reading it as I go to and from the city on the Bart. It feels like thats the proper setting for the book.

Cooking: Jacket Potatoes

When I was in England, I had these things called Jacket Potatoes. Essentially they cook the potato to make the outside nearly leathery(although it tastes amazing) and then fill other things in it. I had this several times in these pubs, with tuna and corn. So mildly referring to a recipe of sorts, I went into action.

I first washed the potato and then covered it with olive oil and salt. Threw it in the oven on 375 for 1.75 hours(agonizing time when you are hungry). I then prepared the tuna with mayonaise and threw the corn in. Finally, when it was done I threw some butter on it after I cut it open. THen put the tuna on one side, and had to have sour cream on the other :) I ate a spinach/tomato/almond/cheese salad with lemon when I first put it in the oven.

I think I may have eaten too much salt and cream.