I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.
I am super restless, today. This time last week, I was elated. This time the week before, I was holding it down as best I could. Last Tuesday, I felt depressed. Last Sunday, elated. I could go on and on.
My moods have been a story of extremes and I am doing everything I can to fix it. Except, I stopped doing the chart, and I stopped eating healthy. Two things that were starting to get me through.
So today was particularly rough. I spent the morning talking to Dan, and had a quasi closure discussion. Yet, it really went down deep. I don't know what it was about him, or the situation, but it truly affected me very powerfully. I also adore him still, which is hard. I actually adore several of the guys I've dated long term, which makes it harder to let it go and move on. Mostly, because if I adore them still, its likely it was mostly my fault. Even if in this case, Dan begs to differ.
I also am trying to make a pretty big decision, to buy or not buy an iphone/droid. This seems to be pretty monumental, as it could change quite a bit. It could make me dependent on the internet, feeding an addiction that is already VERY strong. It's also more money. Plus, it will just allow me to communicate with people in so many more ways, which is not a good thing. I'm already so ammeanable and I'm afraid this will make it even more so. BUT, if I have it, I might be more likely to get out of the house and not as likely to run home. When I'm at the supermarket I can look up recipes. I can do video chat, and make skype calls. I can feel more in touch with family and friends from home. I can also finally have a music player, for the first time ever. I can also get more organized and streamline.
So between Dan this morning, this Iphone decision, and having a fairly good date last night, I'm super restless and every minor decision is becoming a massive issue.
So I decided to calm down in a few ways. First, I took myself for a walk downtown to look at the iphone but also to get me outside. Then I came back and lit a candle, and had some tea. Finally, at around 9pm I broke the routine of not leaving the house and headed to Manpuku sans phone, but with my untethered soul book and started the book over.
These things helped calm me down and put things in perspective. I need to keep not taking things personally. I need to keep seeing feelings as feelings and not as the truth. They always pass, it always calm's down. But in the moment I am fried and I need to keep remembering that. Also, that I can't change everything, but as long as I always do my best, I can't fault myself.
