Reflection: Week 18

This week could not have been more opposite from last week.

There were alot of external forces that made this week pretty crappy.

1-Terrible dreams! Every night for some reason, I've been having these very vivid dreams about things that normally give me fear or create anxiety within me, such as disasters, guns, past loves/lost friendships etc. Yet, I chose to see this, as a way for these negative feelings to stir up and then leave. We'll see if this is true or not.

2-Work environment. It has been toxic. The kids are running around crazy. The staff is miserable. Even the typical "yes" people are getting upset and blaming the administration, encouraging them to fix it. It's awful and waring on me. While I am doing my best to not take it so personal, even the negative energy is wearing me down.

3-Relationship. I've been talking to? I guess? This guy that I met, in Vegas and on a long shot we tried doing this undefined long distance relationship thing, where we spoke most days, and visited each other and talked of the future. But since New years, it seems to be waning quickly. I really enjoy his company and enjoy hearing from him, but fear I may have pushed it too far and ruined a really great thing in my life. I just hope that I haven't ruined it so much, that we loose touch entirely. He's a really great guy, who is very busy and lives in OC. Two very potentially insurmountable obstacles. And to add to that, I tend to be quite pushy and demanding, which makes a boy who wants to please me, feel like he never can. Another, potentially insurmountable obstacle, which I think he finally realized. So I have been quite sad this week, but think I am finally learning that I just need to stop pushing and just let things happen as they might and not try to control everything all the time. I just wish I had learned that lesson earlier.

4-Uncle Burt. He's my great uncle actually, but he passed away this weekend. He is someone who I have probably seen maybe 10 times in my life, but had a large fondness of. I'm deeply saddened that I didn't get to talk to him before he died. I didn't know really, it just snuck up on me. But its reminded me how important family is, and I'm gettng more and more worried that while I'm having a great time here, that I should really be thinking about moving to be near family. Which family I'm not really sure, but I just feel like I am missing so much. My cousins have kids that are 5, 4, 3, and 1 that I've seen like once or twice. My grandma is really sick and talking on the phone isn't enough. Even some of my good friends, I get so lonely for sometimes. Especially when I look on facebook and feel how I've missed so much and lost touch with so many because of my location. I mean I've been thinking about this stuff a while, but his passing really has put it into focus. I'm constantly feeling I want to be in 4 places at once.

So alot of stuff has happened this week. I do have to say though, while this has been the most externally negatively eventful, this has not been the worst week for me internally. I've been really trying to live by the motto "this too shall pass.", realizing that change is the only constant, and not allowing myself to get to vested or attached to anything. I realize its ok to be sad, and I have been super sad much of this week, and irritated, but I enabled myself to feel those feelings and then let them pass and not dwell within them. My anxiety level has fell off almost completely! It's super liberating to be sad and still function. It's amazing to not know what is going on in a major part of my life, which is very important to me, but still be ok. As long as I allow myself to do it, it seems to be lessening the severity.

Also, this is the first week where I did the chart in its intended form, doing one or two activities each day and letting them come to me, instead of forcing myself through them on the weekend!

So even though its been a pretty crappy week, the feelings of change and expansion are upon me, which is helping me cope positively, or so it seems.